Situational Awareness
by breadsticks
Summary: One-shots. Eight Target: Signs and symptoms of delusional people: Please take heed, Tsuna.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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Sawada Iemitsu, honorable Consigliere Esterno, had a hitlist.

Every assassin in the business knew about it. After all, Iemitsu-san often sent them updated versions of it. With pictures. In-color. Often with a newer, more complete account of their various misdemeanors towards Iemitsu-san.

Really, it contained only about a dozen or so people. An easy enough number to nibble on. The problem lay in the fact that each target was a massive powerhouse in the Mafia. Ruthless and violently destructive juggernauts were just a few words often associated with them.

Another were possessive, jealous perverts.

And that was the root of it.

Sawada Iemitsu considered each and every single target a drooling, dangerous, depraved pervert out on the loose to debauch the very sanctity and chastity of his _precious_ little baby, Tsuna-chan.

Really. When he'd first seen the newly born Tsuna-chan, he'd breathed a sigh of relief. Being a father to a daughter meant eventually beating off prospective suitors with a stick. Of dynamite. But, here, here was a strapping young baby boy. Who would be one of those prospective suitors to _someone _else's daughter.

For a couple of years, out on his assignments, he waited for the baby fat to fall off, for the slim slender physique to bulk up into muscles from the various pictures sent to him of his darling little Tsuna-chan.

Then he'd had to come home for the rings and the tournament and he didn't even mind that Tsuna-chan was still a little bit tiny for a boy his age. He'd grow, eventually. Right?

So, off he was again, off to Italy for matters of Mafia Men.

Then, he started to hear rumors. Disturbing ones. Especially to a father of a Mafia heir.

He flew home as fast as he could gut his nagging secretary.

He came home to find the same slender Tsuna-chan, who he realized, really had inherited most of his mother's features and shy personality. But, that…that was okay, because Tsuna-chan now had a core of steel strength, that Iemitsu recognized, that the Vongola bosses had prided themselves on, that Reborn had forged with grueling training and hard-earned lessons and _friends_.

And Iemitsu was proud of his son.

Only after this, did he stop and start to look around at the people who called themselves Tsuna-chan's _famiglia_. Even those bastards who allied themselves with the Vongola.

And then, there at that moment, did the Impossible Hitlist was born.

Forged with the Vongola's trademark hyper-intuition and every father's Alarm System, Sawada Iemitsu created the hitlist that no one could complete.

And the Arcobaleno, who could have _done _something about it, found another source of gambling and betting on.

At the very least, Tsuna-chan was still painfully _oblivious_ to it.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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After Xanxus had thrown an all-mighty hissy fit after the Ring Tournament and had gone off to sulk in front of his HD Panasonic TV in the next room, Squalo headed off to his room for some Private Angsting himself. All of his majestic plans to support a man he'd deeply respected, gone, _whoosh_, like a mirage dispersing in the desert.

Mammon tossed him three bottles of beer from their emergency stash, hidden from the boss…from Xanxus-san.

"Eh, I'm broke."

Mammon gupyah-ed at him, _Squalo wondering what the fuck gupyah meant,_ and mumbled something about loss and money and _blah blah _Tsuna _blah _reconsidering values _blah blah _priorities _blah_, then HOLY of all mother, the baby said in a clearer voice that it was free.

He snatched it quickly before the Viper had a change of heart—er…if he had a heart—and ran off to his room to get totally Smashed.

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At five o'clock in the morning, with his hair in his mouth, drool on his laptop, and a Perfect Plan to Restore Xanxus in the seat of power, he vomited in the toilet bowl.

Then he brushed his teeth.

And _then _he brushed his hair.

Then he rushed off to Mammon first, for financial inspection of his Perfect Plan.

After reading the printouts Squalo had so _nicely _shoved into his face, all while dealing with a Hangover from Hell, Mammon had still managed to glare upwards at Squalo, even while hidden underneath his cowl. Then, with images of the coming homicide, he smirked at Squalo and wiped his snot of approval on it.

"H-hey, what the hell?"

Then Mammon shoved Squalo out of his bedroom, and then proceeded to call the rest of the core Varia members to watch the bloody spectacle. Free. With popcorn, for a price of 20 euros.

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"Yeah, okay."

Lussuria giggled and Levi began to look up dating tips in his portable laptop and Bel happily received fifty euros from a seething Mammon. Squalo, meanwhile, looked smug as only geniuses are allowed to.

Here, Xanxus straightened up and addressed his squad. "Fine, I did say, I would do _whatever_ it takes to grab the throne from those useless pieces of shit."

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"Oh, Tsu-chan, you didn't tell me someone was courting _you," _his mother squealed at him.

"W-whaa? Th-this is _completely _unnecessary!"

"But I think it's so cute that...ara, who is it again," here his mother checks the papers,"...Xanxus-san sent all these roses," she looks around at their full living room.

Reborn popped up from behind her, wearing a traditional match-maker's outfit, _Tsuna eeped in fright_, and said, "Maman, it was pretty smart of him to send his files too," here he riffled through the papers sent with the roses. Family History, Medical History, Academic and Career History, and _ohgod_ pictures. Baby pictures to adult sulking ones.

It was a complete record.

"Uuun, isn't anyone upset that a Former Enemy is trying to date me? Moreover, that he's a guy?"

"Tsu-kun! He wants to _formally_ court you, not like those slap-dash relationships they have on the soaps," and she sighed in recollection of her own courtship with Iemitsu. Somewhere far away, Iemitsu giggled as thoughts of Nana invaded again.

"Dame-Tsuna, don't you know it's legal in Spain? We'll hold the marriage there."

"Lambo-kun, the Crybaby, wants to have a marriage too! Where can I find it?"

"Re~born-san, the kids are growing up so _fast_-We should get married too. I'll even handle the catering, for you Tsuna-chan."

"Aah, no one's listening to me, no one's listening, Xanxus just tried to kill me a few days ago!"

Reborn sighs at his student, "Dame-Tsuna, don't you realize what a great opportunity this is? This is a chance to control your Varia subordinates via your Wife. You should be grateful."

"I don't feel grateful at all!"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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"You should be more like Queen Elizabeth." Gestured the tiny hitman sensei.

Tsuna dropped the soapy sponge but at least managed to hold onto the plate, "I-I don't think I understand at all…" _Uhhn, another weird idea has popped up_. He picked the sponge up and began scrubbing faster, in hopes of making a speedy getaway. Far away.

"Hmph, stupid Tsuna, Queen Elizabeth reigned England and Ireland for forty-five years. In all those years, she never once married."

Tsuna was rinsing now, as fast as he could wash off the bubbles. _Must…get away_.

"Known as the Virgin Queen, she held off suitors and named no successors as a diplomatic ploy. It ensured her control and protected her throne from a coup—"

_Something is brewing, something dangerous is brewing_. Tsuna breathed in relief as he finished the plates and began to put them away, dishes clinking in haste.

"Done!" Tsuna said.

_Fwip_! Rope that had mysteriously appeared around Tsuna's feet and hands suddenly tightened and bound him to the ground and ceiling. A look of terror flitted past his face.

"Trying to skip my next mafia lesson? Tch, I should punish you for trying to abandon your duties as a Vongola heir."

In a tiny voice, Tsuna said, "_In the first place, I didn't really want the position _—"

"Hmm, what? You're muttering again. It's annoying."

_Wha! What a blunt person! _Tsuna wriggled frantically but could not dislodge the ropes tied onto him.

"Listen, Dame-Tsuna, don't you get a lot of problems from the people around you?"

_Mainly from you!_

"Don't you get teased a lot?" Reborn asked.

Tsuna paused and began fervently nodding. _"Aah, stop calling me rabbit-chan, Squalo-san!" "I'm not little! And did you escape from Vendicare again?" "Stop calling me cute and compact, Spanner-san…"_

"Don't you get bullied a lot?"

Again, the mafia student nodded. _"H-Hibari-san, stop pulling my clothes off! It's tucked in the proper four inches…" "It's not too hot for me to take off my shirt, Gokudera-kun…" "Can you let go of my hand now, Yamamoto-kun?" "I really don't wanna eat the cake, Byakuran-san."_

"And the strange threatening letters and gifts, right?" Reborn said.

"_I'll die without you, Jyuudaime." "I'm going to devour you whole, herbivore." "I will possess your body, little Vongola." "Stupid imposter, you'll learn your place. Underneath me."_

Tsuna still shivered everytime he remembered the unsigned letters.

Reborn's eyes gleamed, "There is a WAY to circumvent all of these."

Tsuna stared on, _Why do I get a strange shivering feeling creeping up my spine?_

"An one hundred percent guaranteed method to control your subordinates and manipulate both ally and rival—"

Tsuna began praying to every known god for a second chance at a normal life. _Just one, just one normal, violence-free, de-Mafia'ed life. I swear, I'd even stop whining!_

Reborn continued on, "—and that is to be a Queen, Tsuna-student."

The brunette sighed in agony. _Someone. Please translate this person's words for me._

"You see," the tiny teacher took out a choc cigar, "our world, the Mafia, it's a men's world. Full of men, dangerous and violent and rough. There are hardly any women in it since it's too dangerous. The relatively few ones that are in it, well…Like Bianchi, see? Or even the Cervello."

"Eeeh?"

Reborn began chewing on the cigar, "You need to use that to your advantage. The men around you need an outlet, so...use your looks, your feminine wiles, right?

Tsuna in his Mind: _There is something wrong with your brain. Something very wrong. Like a cancerous tumor of, of, something. Something big, and stupid._

"You see, you have that untainted air, from your mother, I think. So, use it. Be like the femme fatale and the queens from the past: smile and seduce and sieze control!" Reborn said, rubbing his palms together, diabolical plans hatching.

This time, the Tsuna-mind did not stay silent, "What is that bullcrap coming out of your mouth?"

_Smack! _ Reborn's rolled up newspaper hit him on the head with pin-point accuracy.

"Useless student of mine, you can't afford to blush and be squeamish. With that attitude, you're just asking to be attacked again by perverts."

_~It just keeps getting stranger!~_screamed Tsuna in his mind.

Reborn wiggled his fingers in front of Tsuna's face, "Don't be a squealing virgin, idiot. Especially with that pouty face of yours, it practically screams _Take me, take me, I'm yours!_"

Tsuna's jaw could not get any lower without seriously damaging ligaments. "How can you say that with a straight face?

"Look, you ungrateful brat, this is my advice for you to hold off the hordes of drooling perverts. Number one, don't show them anything cute, that's a weakness. Like blushing or fidgeting or trembling. No, none of that moe stuff."

Tsuna wondered, moe? He was moe?

"Number two, never lose your composure. You need to be majestic, you need to have an aura about you that inspires awe and fear and respect. Those bastards should revere you, yes, like a Queen."

Tsuna wondered why he had a strange vision of a woman in full S&M dom leather suit. And then he wondered why he hadn't lost consciousness yet. _God, why?_

And Reborn was still rambling along, "You need to master the smile of a Queen, the smile of an angel that is sacred, holy, and _untouchable_. With this smile, you can seduce them all the while still holding them off."

"Hahii~I have the dresses you wanted to borrow~" Haru called in from outside the door.

And then the last nail on the coffin, Reborn said, "At the very least, it'll be good training for handling diplomacy."

Tsuna cried and waved farewell to his dignity.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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"It's not working at all!" Tsuna stomped _quietly_ in the bushes. Wearing a pastel pink spaghetti strap dress that was practically made out of _tissue_ and having long red strings winding around his body emphasizing his slenderness was not helping _at all_.

And plus, the red strings were starting to look suspiciously like handy bondage equipment. It did not bode well for the little cross-dresser. It wasn't as if it was by choice!

This morning, with a gun to his head by Reborn, his clothes all having seemingly disappeared from his closet, he was shoved into this dress with the matching panties and then shoved outside for a lovely wonderful walk. PANTIES. All the while, Reborn had kept repeating to him about the Queen Debacle from yesterday. No, no, no, Tsuna was not and will never be a queen.

That…that was it. His dignity was gone and dead and buried and all that other stuff.

Then while walking towards Yamamoto's house—not Gokudera's because A) he didn't know where the guy lived B) he was _not _going to tempt anything at all and lastly C) he wanted to borrow clothes, the baggier the better—a strangely hooded pervert had started following her…um, damn it, him. Remember, Tsuna, remember the extra package. Do not let the dre—PANTIES—ess muddle your brain.

And that was why Tsuna decided to lose the potential pervert by following Reborn's advice and had smiled the Queen's Smile. Correction, tried to smile it. Because at that moment, a gust of wind had blown his dress higher on his thighs and his face had instead turned into a sort of blushing grimace. The kind of uncomfortable face one made as their virginities were taken.

And that was why the pervert had started running and why he'd taken a running detour to a fully packed park. An usually fully packed park. Which was apparently empty on this particular moment of this day. Which is also why Tsuna had decided to hide. In the bushes.

Where were his gloves when he needed them? Oh, yes, Reborn had taken them for this 'training exercise.'

Argh, he was going to be molested by a creepy middle-aged businessman obviously disguised in a _tasteless_ hoodie, aah, the Absolute Horrror.

He could have at least worn a business suit for the classic porno touch. But, god, he'd worn a hoodie, a black hoodie. It was so lame.

It was very uncool.

_God, what exactly is wrong with me? Why am I freaking out over my possible molestor's fashion statement when I am about to be brutally penetrated from my virginal behind?_ No god answered him, most likely because they were lazing around, bastards.

And why did he not bring his cellphone? Why, oh why? Oh, he'd forgotten it…

And then Hibari fell from a branch next the tree that was next to the bushes that he was hiding in. Right onto him. In fact.

Tsuna does not know that Hibari had actually fallen because he was sleeping and then he woke up and looked down and had seen Tsuna's romp swaying around in the air as Tsuna berated himself for not having a cellphone. And then his nose started to bleed and he'd gotten dizzy and had fallen. Right onto Tsuna.

Damn mating pheromones.

And that was the exact moment the pervert from the past fifteen minutes stumbled into their sight and had exclaimed first dibs onto the little neko.

Tsuna scrambled up and tried to hide behind Hibari.

Uncooperatively, Hibari strode forward and bit the bastard to death. No illegal molestation of minors on his watch, nosirree.

And then Tsuna tried crawling away.

At which point, Hibari had finished and turned to look at him. It wasn't really illegal if they were both under the legal age of consent, right?

Hibari's eyes gleamed and his left tonfa smashed an inch away from Tsuna's scrabbling hand.

Tsuna trembled. He stopped. Then he slowly turned around and smiled.

_Ping!_ Sunlight poured into the clearing and onto Tsuna's peach soft skin and little hallucinatory violins started playing and birds started to sing the Titanic theme song.

Success! He'd done it and right in front of one of his most dangerous guardians to boot, who currently was frozen into surprise.

And then a serendipitous wind blew again and his dress hiked up another inch up his smooth milky thighs.

Which the pinkness of the PANTIES peeked right at the edge of the dress.

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It…it _really _didn't work. Stupid Reborn and his stupid ideas and stupid panties.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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On Discovery Channel: How to make a wildlife documentary about Hibari.

"You're stupid PANTY idea didn't work!" screamed a hysterical and just barely molested-minutes-ago Tsuna.

Reborn slapped him. "Stupid Tsuna, the proper word is panties."

Tsuna tried LaMaze breathing, one, two, three~_THat's not what's wrong! _He began crying into the cup of tea shoved at him by the baby hitman. _Aah, my pure white mind…_

"Hmm…It is curious why Hibari didn't fall under the Queen Fantasy…Anyway, it's not really important," said Reborn.

_This person is—is completely cold!_ Tsuna's teacup shook and the tea sloshed on his dress.

Reborn slapped him again.

"Stupid, that dress is expensive. Don't get stains on it."

"I-I think I just, aah, just got traumatized again…" whimpered Tsuna.

His teacher's eyes gleamed, "Ara, ara, what's this? You have a trauma switch?"

_Stupid! This isn't an anime. I think I'm suffering a case of influence-of-dangerous-otaku-mentor…_Tsuna made that weird crying sound again, lost in his usual pathetic whining that the world was unfair, cruel, and that _this was not normal!_

"Ah, I'm bored," so saying the baby turned on the TV.

_I'm having a nervous breakdown and you're BORED? _Again, chicken Tsuna kept his mouth closed.

The Discovery Channel commercial began playing~~"I've got it!" the baby jumped up and slammed his fist into Tsuna's head. "I've got the greatest idea, stupid pupil, so let's go grab my camera and a new dress."

"Aaah, my horoscopes says I shouldn't go around wearing dresses—"

Reborn hit him again, just because.

_This is domestic abuse!_

"We're going to make a documentary and then I'll send it off to Hollywood to that Discovery channel and then we'll make lots of money, fufufu," chuckled Reborn.

"Sensei, I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to going around in a dress to be filmed for a lolita porn thing—"

Reborn slammed his foot on Tsuna's sandal-ed one.

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_Pain, it just keeps coming~_Tsuna thought. He was wearing another spaghetti strap dress, pale yellow with sunflowers imprinted on it, shorter this time too. _Pain and humiliation, there's just no end to it_. He kept pulling down the edge of the dress, hoping for some magical transformation that would lengthen it. It didn't. _I think I need to get de-cursed, this is just too much. I'm going to a Shinto temple first thing tomorrow._

Reborn shouldered the camera he'd stolen, _Tsuna: Why am I surrounded by criminals?, _and flicked it on.

"This is a wildlife documentary about the strange and fearsome beast: Hibari Kyouya."

Tsuna's face paled. _That troublesome guy again!_

_Click!_ Tsuna gaped down at a the manacle that had suddenly appeared around his left ankle. His eyes followed it till it came to a stop to a stake that hammered the chain connecting to the manacle…to the floor. Tsuna began pulling at his hair and screaming. _ I'm being used as bait. Again!_

Reborn: "Oh, yes, I should say it now. This is a disclaimer that not one of the animals were harmed during the making of this film."

Tsuna: "What is this? A movie script format?"

Reborn: (posing) "Aren't I amazing?"

Tsuna: "No, you're not, you're just weird!"

Reborn: (smacks an unobedient Tsuna)

Tsuna: (stops whining as his super Hyper Vongola Intuition begins screaming, _Predator! Predator coming!_)

Reborn: "Hibari Kyouya," (here the camera swings around to a walking Hibari, coming nearer towards them), "a wild beast of a student. This specimen is fourteen to sixteen years old, as one can see."

Tsuna: "I don't see it at all!"

Reborn: "This one is a male, an alpha one, dominant in his pack."

Tsuna: "Uuwah, a deadly animal is coming nearer, somebody help meee…"

Reborn: "His species is Japanese and his genus is the Disciplanary Committee," (the camera tracks Hibari's progress, coming near and _nearer_), "Natural habitat is the Namimori High School. One of his hallmark characteristics is his two tonfas and his signature remark—"

Tsuna: "_I'm going to bite you to death~_iyaa_, _get me out of this stupid mentality!"

Reborn: "Thank you, helpful little Vongola. And see, his usual companion, Hibird, is following him as usual. This shows that Hibari is actually quite partial to cute tiny things and that this wild kid can actually take care of something."

Tsuna: "What are you saying? Urgh, I think I'm getting a stomache-ache from the stress~"

Reborn: "He communicates by grunts and short blunt statements and his steel tonfas. His diet includes miso, onigiri, and crowding idiots and herbivores."

Tsuna: "That's it, that's it. I'm one of those idiots going to be eaten alive!"

Reborn: "He is a snarling carnivore that likes to hunt his meal alive. And now, for our Experiment! We will discover Hibari's mysterious mating habits."

Tsuna: "You're nuts, absolutely whacko nuts!"

Reborn: "And this," (the camera swings to a shivering Tsuna still manacled to the floor) "is the female, Tsunayoshi Sawada."

Tsuna: "Ack! I'm not female!"

Reborn: "Note the dress and the large glistening eyes. This is the female's way of luring in her man. Say something, stupid Tsuna."

Tsuna: (he stares at the camera lens mouth open) "…I ate some wonderful tacos today."

Reborn: (sighs) "Note however, the low IQ," (camera swings back to Hibari, _so close_ that he could probably hear everything already) "However, that matters little. See our specimen Hibari is already mesmerized by the female's shivering thighs."

Tsuna: "No matter how you look at it, this has a weird atmosphere!"

Reborn: "My hypothesis is that Hibari also hunts his mates much the same way he hunts for food. Will we see some exciting violent bloody courtship rituals as the male shows off?"

Tsuna: "I'm fucked, I'm literally fucked!" (reduced to crying and babbling the word 'no' over and over again)

Hibari: (tonfa's smashing a few inches near the Tsuna, whose legs folds automatically underneath him to the floor) (smirks) "Are you trying to reject my authority?"

Reborn: "Aah, see as the submissive mate shows his passivity to the alpha,"

Tsuna: (trying to frantically shake the manacle chain loose, throat already closing up in sheer hysteria)

Hibari: "I'm going to eat you all up."

Tsuna: (heart is beating fast in his mouth) ~(in his mind) _I'm not food, not food, I don't taste delicious at all!~_

Hibari: (leans closer, dark bangs tickling Tsuna's upturned face)

Reborn: "Aha! It starts~~"

And here the camera sees a hurled tonfa at it and then the camera being dropped as Reborn dodges. Grey static appears on the screen. Warning to future documentary makers: Be wary of dangerous beasts.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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After several weeks of constant chaos, the day had finally come.

The day Tsunayoshi chose a husband.

Among his courtiers who'd frantically strategized and schemed and injured each other, the Vongola Tenth had finally chosen a spouse. It had been Spanner-san, who'd stood there with the _utter_ gall to look calmly surprised at the announcement. Tsuna wasn't exactly sure how he'd done it, Spanner's look of mild astonishment, as though he'd just realized he'd gotten a discount and had saved a few dollars on his lolipops.

"_Spanner-san? Could you fix this…? It stopped working and has this sad frown-y face on the screen."_

_Spanner shifted the lollipop to the left side of his mouth. "Sure."_

It had been a hard choice for Tsunayoshi. But frankly, among his…suitors, the safest person to be around had been, well, Spanner. He wasn't insanely violent, rabidly eager, nor was he a giant pervert like Mukuro who constantly stole Tsuna's underwear. He didn't cause massive destruction to the landscape and any innocent bystander, which was the entire _point_. In fact, he was perfectly polite and often gave Tsuna one of his spanner lolipops. And Tsuna liked that.

"_Umm, Spanner-san, Gokudera-kun bombed the pipes again. Could you…?"_

_The blonde scratched his head. "Of course."_

Another point to Spanner was that he could protect himself with his Strau Mosca. _From who _was not a question that had to be asked.

Then there was Spanner's high class ability with technology. It meant he was very useful around the house. The man was _simply _amazing with household appliances. Tsuna could very well save on the bill repairs.

"_It's so hot…"_

"_Right," and Spanner stood up to fix their air conditioning._

But, the big point to Spanner, was that he was…_nice_. To normal standards, he was very _nice_. Oh, the others were nice too, but…they were of an Intense variety that was frankly just intimidating. Scary. Spanner, he, well, he was normal. _Nice_. Normal nice type of guy.

He didn't scare the living crap out of Tsuna. And for a sixteen year old about to inherit the biggest mafia family in the world, normal nice was as rare as…something, he couldn't really remember what Fuuta's ranking had said about it.

But…

_It had been a huge affair, their wedding this morning. Major bigwigs were coming in to show their support. Various mafia representatives were hogging all the tequila. And even some celebrities had turned up, hogging the vodka this time. News cameras had been recording the entire thing, from the very beginning of the official courtship to the final end, this day. Everybody had been watching their relationship, considered the premiere tv show soap opera. Not that there had been a lot of drama from the two lovebirds' corner. No, it had been the other jealous ex-rivals, as usual._

_If anything, most of the viewers had complained that the two had been too slow and sweet. But to Tsuna…He blushed. Spanner was very tender._

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_Now, Tsuna stretched his arms above his head, his pajamas already on. Spanner had gone to take a shower first. Now, Tsuna fidgeted, now was the hour their wedding night would start. He'd come prepared. He'd gone out the day before and had bought some lube and condoms and had hidden them in one of the drawers. This night, this moonless night, Spanner would take his virginity. He pressed his palms against his flaming cheeks and scrunched his eyes in embarrassment and anticipation._

_Now, if he could only remember which drawer he'd put them in. He'd pulled out five drawers already and he still couldn't find them. He rubbed his hands together. They were cold. And Spanner would be coming in any minute. He shook his shaggy locks in frustration._

_Then, he pulled out one of the last drawers._

_He stared down in shock._

_He pulled out one of the objects and inspected it. Women's underwear. This one was a sheer black panty with a pair of scarlet ribbons at the back. The ends of the ribbons probably reached down to the back of his knees and had tiny bells stitched onto them. Another one he took out, was a silky silver one that had white garters fasted with silver clips. There were more, which all looked brand new. In fact, there were tags. He pulled out something new. It was a pale peach nightie that probably still covered the crotch. Probably. There were daisies imprinted on it. He fingered the ruffles and lace. It certainly wouldn't fit Spanner…_

_Spanner came out of the bathroom as Tsuna pulled out a furry cat tail with a butt plug at the top for easy attachment. He was naked, except for a towel he was using to dry his hair. He stopped as Tsuna regarded the remote that came with the tail. He turned it on. The butt plug began vibrating._

"_Ah," said Spanner, "I bought those a few days ago. For our honeymoon."_

_He walked over and pulled out a French Maid Outfit, real silk!, and held it up to a shell-shocked Tsuna. "Hmm…I was right. They fit you."_

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He was an otaku pervert.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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A tray of lavishly colorful cocktails smashed onto the chair.

That Tsuna had five seconds ago been sitting on.

Thank you, DNA, for hyperintuition.

The real _problem_, Tsuna thought while lamenting the fallen drinks, lay in the fact that so many people were after Tsunayoshi's cute little bottom.

And it wasn't even in the Mafia sense of the word. No, no, the problem was that Tsuna had a dozen people running after his so-called luscious bottom to do extremely obscene things to it, which Tsuna protested against very much. Then, he ducked a flying plate and then decided that hiding behind the banquet table was a palatable retreat for a mafia boss.

And what was worse, like salt on the wound, was that all of his devoted_, _(demented in his opinion), courtiers were all taller and wider across the shoulders than him. Next to any of them, he looked like a bloody petite girl. That's right, they were all males. All lumbering huge men. Imagine the size difference. His tiny physique would all be too easy to pin down. And the pain, _ohgod_ the PAIN that would occur because he was just too small to be able to fit them_._

He flicked the spaghetti noodles that had smashed onto the side of his head. Nope, stuck to his hair.

And it was such a nice sixteenth birthday too.

Oh, he knew before, of course. No one was _that _naïve. He'd noticed the stuttering, the blushing, the _constant_ stalking. He'd just tactfully avoided it as much as possible. As their Mafia Boss, he really didn't want to take advantage. He'd feel like an utter heel.

He crawled a little bit further under the table, letting the huge white table cloth hide him like a tent.

And the thing, the actual _thing _was…that he might actually have fallen in love with any of them…if they'd given him space to breathe and think.

But they hadn't. Not after Haru and Kyoko came out as a couple. Then they'd actually gotten serious. He'd been terrified for his virginity. He'd wondered then where you could buy a chastity belt. One that was extremely pervert-proof.

A bowl of something squishy smashed outside the tent, right next to him. He flipped the sheet aside, and sighed. Ice cream.

He'd been told chastity belts were deemed illegal. _Hah_.

He'd gone to Reborn and had asked for advice. _As an Italian Man, all I can give you is this piece of advice. Choose the strongest one._ And Tsuna had thought then and there that the others would simply gang up on who he'd chosen.

A hand crawled underneath the cloth and clawed at the inside. Tsuna regarded the ring on the finger. Mist. It was heaved back by two other shadows outside the mini-tent.

By then, he considered his next set of actions. Who to ask for advice next? Reborn hadn't given him much of a…safe solution. His useless father was off trying to haggle with the Ninth into sequestering Tsuna into an impregnable doorless and windowless tower. His mother was happily meeting each and every one of his…suitors. Bianchi…no, she might be too biased. Then he'd hit upon Dr. Shamal.

_Look, it's in your genetics. You have that…look that inspires the Caveman Mentality in them, you know?_ He didn't know nor did he understand.

He took a fallen cup and tried to scoop as much as the ice cream that hadn't _technically _touched the floor and began to lick it. There was no spoon anywhere.

He despaired a bit about this. Could you change your DNA so that hulking males didn't start running after you to drag back to their caves? And why did that sound too much like a girl…?

Outside, a shadow carrying tonfas swung them like baseball bats at the oncoming plates and glasses hurled at what was possibly Hibari. Tsuna winced as the glass shattered. This restaurant was_ expensive_.

Even Hana had taken him aside for a bit of…girl talk. _You've collected yourself a harem. A harem of rich, powerful men. Who'll do anything you want. Who'll __**give**__ you anything you want. Get my drift? Take advantage of it. _First of all, he…didn't really want anything. Oh, sure, he wanted the violence and the bloodlust and the fighting to end. But Reborn had already schooled him on this one and he knew that all that fighting was a man's way…of stress-relief. If they didn't have it, they could very well turn their sights onto another…_activity.._.that would be more _dangerous_ to him. More or less, they seemed to thrive on it, the fighting. And, the important part was that none of it ended with any deaths. And, he was fine with that. Completely fine with it.

He stared at the ice cream in his hand. A few streaks of pink ice cream was cold on his cheeks, testament to the lack of any spoons whatsoever under the table.

He shrugged and brought the cup closer to his face, candy red tongue peeking out to lap at the rim of the cup.

There was an ominous silence that bloomed outside the tent. Tsuna paused. A chorus of groans greeted him. Tsuna swerved around. Video camera, suddenly there right at his side, peering at him, underneath the fall of white cloth. Reborn popped up behind the camera underneath the lifted cloth and smacked him and whispered "Keep doing that."

Tsuna hurriedly brought the cup forward and continued with his previous ministrations to the ice cream. He just knew, just absolutely knew he looked ridiculous. Like some sort of desperate kitten lapping milk. He certainly didn't see the appeal of it nor why the others were probably now standing still, various expressions of stunned horniness and drooling starving lust running rampant across their faces, watching him on Reborn's video camera connected to, what Tsuna could tell, were speakers and a…hmm…what Tsuna could guess, a flat HD tv.

But it had certainly stopped the violent destructive battle outside the tent.

Tsuna was relieved that he wouldn't have to pay too much of a bill on repairs for this restaurant.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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Tsuna held up the 4B pencil horizontally.

Mukuro began to strip.

Even his pants. And his underwear, which by the way are cute little black boxers with the word TSUNA on the bum.

Tsuna's hand, and therefore the pencil as well, started shaking. He bit his lip. Tears gathered at the edges of his large brown eyes. The pencil wobbled in the air, no longer a helpful device in perspective, but merely an indicator of stress, frustration, and an eventual spiral into depression. The so called artist started to cry.

"Mukuro-kun...I told you, stop stripping…"

Several tense arguments later, and a pouting monkey known as Mukuro has stopped taking off his clothes in anticipation of exhausting exercise known as sex and has merely resigned himself to posing seductively at Tsuna.

Without his pants on.

Tsuna threw his notebook at the pervert's forehead.

Again, Mukuro situated himself on the table, this time with his pants on, in number thirty-three pose: "I wanna fuck you."

Tsuna ignored all subliminal messages thrown at him by his annoying model and proceeded to draw for his extra-credit art class. All is quiet.

And then Mukuro started to moan. And did strange things with his hips. And fondled himself. For the nth time, Tsuna thought exasperatedly. This wasn't a prelude to hot raunchy monkey sex, stupid monkey. Or in this case, stupid pineapple.

He threw his shoe this time.

It made a satisfying _thwack_ sound.

Mukuro pouted his lips at the brunette (to Tsuna, it merely looked like fish-lips). That _was_ disappointing. That had been his number forty-five pose: "I _really_ wanna fuck you. Yes, you, Sawada Tsuna."

Grumpily, Tsuna returned to his drawing…which looked like a couple of chickens pecking at each other. Hmm…that was the leg…these were the eyes…No, no, wait…That was the nose…Again, the master artist resumed his continual battle against critical high school art teachers. Hah, take that.

Then a pachyderm of male macho-ness stampeded through the door and tried to tackle Tsuna. Luckily, Tsuna's incredible sixth sense (or HyperIntuition or PervertRadar) tickled him into dodging. So the hunky-dorky pile smashed onto a gaping Mukuro. Who escaped by making it look like he escaped but actually didn't. Which is to say, that he was squished but made an illusion that he wasn't squished. Tsuna wondered if Mukuro realized his Six Paths of Rebirth hasn't opened yet.

After a fierce debate and several angry brawls, Tsuna once again held up a wobbling 4B pencil.

And a harem of muscled cavemen sparkled back at him. Without pants. Wow, they were really happy to see Tsuna. Really, disturbingly _happy_.

Tsuna kind of felt sick.

He wondered how to file several restraining orders.

Reborn appeared to his rescue and shot several real bullets. Which, unfortunately did not hit. Damn it, Tsuna thought feeling only slightly guilty.

After order and several pants were restored, once again Tsuna held up this time, an H1 pencil which boasted a particularly hard kind of lead.

Only three from the pack of postulating horndogs were allowed to pose. After all, Reborn had said, Tsuna really couldn't handle more than that. In drawing. Not in any other way, you perving bastards. So, sorry, no train-rides Reborn added.

Xanxus, one with well-endowed muscles and a perpetual royal sneer.

Hibari, one with sleek carnivorous grace and a constant hungry smirk.

And lastly...Yamamoto, one with the body of Adonis, refreshing minty cool breath and sparkling grin.

All the essentials of male models.

Mukuro pouted within the ranks of the peanut gallery. Again with the fish-lips thought Tsuna.

Tsuna finally got down to the nitty-gritty of drawing. He bit his lip. He bit his eraser. Someone tried to offer their finger but was quickly silenced. Tsuna finally bit his own fingers. It was a good thing Reborn had forced the pants issue.

Several thuds later as bodies fainted one by one from severe loss of blood and eventual surrender porny wonderings, Tsuna held up the finished artwork in triumph.

He did the twirly thing Link did in the game Zelda.

The 'I got a new Item, bitches.'

Unfortunately, no one got to see it. Everybody was already on the floor. Tsuna sighed and pulled up his handy dandy cell and dialed the hospita-wait. Dr. Shamal might be better. He was free and _hated _men. Wonderful, Tsuna thought happily, daisies flying around his head.

This would be good training for them.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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There was a huge white horse in the middle of his bedroom.

It was big. It was white. It was…badass, in the way really corny and cliché things could survive in a world that hated such things. And it had a _giant_, Tsuna couldn't help but emphasize this particular phallic imagery, horn in the middle of its forehead.

And it was looking at him with bedroom-y blue eyes.

It wiggled non-existent eyebrows at him.

He heard the thud his backpack made on the wooden floor as his fingers went slack with shocked disbelief. He wondered if this was some sort of devious plot made by Reborn in his rigorous training for Tsuna. He wondered what a horse had to do with his training since Mafia generally did not go around on white horses. The norm usually was black limousines and/or black Porsches. The color black was optional, meaning it was the _only_ option.

And for another…he'd never really asked for a pony when he was a kid. That sort of ruled out Gokudera who in his rabid enthusiasm might have imported any number of strange things to bequeath his 'boss'.

And then the whole thing went _click _inside his head as honed instincts began working. He remembered something from an English class, a long time ago. A horse with a horn…it was a unicorn.

It neighed with a nervous sort of flutter. It stamped its hoof on the wooden ground and then carefully walked towards him. It nudged his hand and he automatically raised it to pet the long strands of silky hair from its mane. It gave a sigh of bliss at that.

Why…was there a horse in his room? And why was it…a unicorn?

As his breathing started to hasten and his usual blood pressure start to rise, he vaguely recalled he did not have a brown paper bag to breathe into. He forced himself to take deeper breathes as this was _not_ a situation to fall unconscious in. He had this disease where he wasn't allowed to be mauled by stampeding horses. He could probably make (bribe) Dr. Shamal to give a written testament to it, in fact.

It bit the cuff of his uniform and tugged at him gently towards the bed. It fluttered large eyelids at him.

He felt slightly creeped out.

But, this horse was practically three times bigger than him. Best not to anger it or anything. He walked towards the bed and sat on it, unwilling to lie down. He'd heard of these kinds of things from the gossip-mongering students at Namimori. One could find it on the internet or in very secret manga/hentai. It was some sort of trend in the porn culture, he'd heard. Horses and dogs attacking people…usually girls in their school uniforms. Of course, it was pretty bewildering to find a horse ready to attack him, a guy.

He wondered where Reborn was and started cursing the day he was denied a cellphone. Nobody was really in the house right now to prevent any such deviant actions that might take place.

However, the unicorn merely…sat on the ground, folding its knobby knees and laying its head on his lap and Tsuna was again forced to pet its hair. It sniffed his knees and then neighed at him. And words began popping in his brain, _you smell nice…like milk powder…_

"Er…thanks, I guess…"

It gave him a frank stare, _You know…I'm a unicorn, yeah?_

He didn't stop patting the horse, slightly horrified to find himself talking to a horse…a mythological horse at that. "I…yeah, I kinda guessed that…"

It nuzzled his hands, eyes closing in pleasure, _Well…what do you know about unicorns?_

"…Not much actually, no."

It sniggered then. _Oh, well…I guess it doesn't really matter…_

"Um…I mean, um…Are you here to kill me in horrifically grotesque ways or," he paused here, swallowing fear and paranoia down, "… to do unspeakable acts of sexual deviancy to me or…something…?" Ninety percent of the strange things that happened to Tsuna were often from those two things.

It looked at him for a moment, considering its thoughts. Tsuna felt even more disturbed that the horse had to actually think for a minute about its answer.

It shrugged as elegantly as a horse can do. _Nah…I like you just the way you smell right now…_

"…0-kay, I guess."

With that enlightening statement, the unicorn's large scary eyelids began to droop and little bone-rattling sounds of snoring escaped its buckteeth. So for two hours, they were like that. The unicorn napped on Tsuna who patted it in turn. He could already feel his blood pressure dropping and tense muscles relaxing. This was…really nice. He wondered if he could keep it as a pet.

Then the door opened and Tsuna looked up to Reborn who had stopped dead and was staring.

"Tsuna…why is Mukuro sleeping on your lap?"


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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AN: Legend: _/thinking/_

"speaking"

(action)

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_The Signs and Symptoms of Delusional People_

Setting: Restaurant, exclusively rented (at gunpoint by Reborn) for the night of Tsunayoshi's eighteenth birthday

After a few drinks…

Mukuro: "Noo~o, Vongola! How could you? Why didn't you tell me you became legal today? Now we can't do an illegal Lolita schoolgirl fantasy on the train anymore—"

Tsuna: (Looks ill) _/This is why I didn't even want to tell you when and where my birthday was taking place. Anyway, there's something about this conversation that's giving me a bad feeling…/_

Gokudera: "What the hell! You disgusting pervert, how dare you talk about the Tenth with such vulgar words!"

Yamamoto: "Hah? What's a Lolita schoolgirl fantasy have to do with trains?"

Tsuna: (Looks even more ill.) "I don't think I want to know—" _/There is. There is something very wrong with this conversation. This ominous feeling…/_

Gokudera: "Don't worry Tenth! There's no such thing as a Lolita fantasy on a train."

Mukuro: "Fufu, you naïve little teenagers, let me demonstrate~"

Tsuna: _/What are you talking about? You're a teenager like us./_

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_It was always crowded whenever Tsunayoshi took the train after school._

_He always found himself squished against the sliding doors in the after-school/work rush._

_Around this time of the after-school/work rush, hordes of students and businessmen and sundry were often jam-packed in the trains like sardines. It wasn't unusual for a commuter to accidentally touch another in socially unacceptable places. More or less, these kinds of things were ignored and forgiven and forgotten. Sometimes though, this happened: a pervert was sliding his palm against Tsuna's inner thigh._

_When encountering a pervert on crowded trains, there was always the initial phase of confusion for the victim. He/she was unsure whether the grope was actually intentional or merely accidental. After a few seconds with the pervert still insisting his invasion of the victim's space, by then, the victim would be too embarrassed to say anything as it has already been too long for her/him to cry wolf. There was always the underlying worry that the victim might not be believed or that the victim should have cried wolf sooner and merely had enjoyed the unwanted caress._

_Tsuna found the pervert's fingers now creeping under his plaid skirt—_

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Tsuna: "Wait. Why am I wearing a schoolgirl skirt?"

Yamamoto: "Shh, Tsuna! We were just getting to the good part."

Gokudera: (Holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose.) "…"

Mukuro: "Oh, yeah. You're right. I didn't think about that part since I got distracted by your legs. Now, stop interrupting and listen to my cozy bedtime story~"

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_Tsuna found the pervert's fingers now creeping under his plaid skirt. Then they slid aside white panties and circled the pucker of the hole there. Tsuna gasped and tried to hide his flushed face against the glass window of the sliding doors. The press of the crowd hid what the pervert was doing to him but also left Tsuna unable to shout for help. It was too embarrassing!_

_Then the pervert got bold and pressed his body against Tsuna's, effectively caging the young teenager. He licked Tsuna's ear and whispered lewdly, "I bet I can make you orgasm on my fingers alone~"_

_So saying, the pervert, also known far and wide as the most handsome devil Mukuro, plunged the dry finger in._

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Tsuna: "Aaah, it hurts, it hurts!" (Clutching his hair in imaginary x-rated pain.)

Mukuro: "And that was my Lolita schoolgirl-meets-pervert-on-the-train fantasy."

Gokudera: "You just called yourself pervert, you fucking idiot." (Very red in the face with two wads of tissue stuck up both nostrils.)

Yamamoto: (Laughs.) "I have a fantasy like that too."

Tsuna&Gokudera: (They whip their heads towards the baseball nut and gape.) /_What? You too?/_

Mukuro: "Oya? What's it called, then?"

Yamamoto: "It's the confession-in-a-classroom fantasy."

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_Tsuna's eyes are downcast and his hands are fidgeting, holding a letter._

_A love letter, he wrote last night in desperation._

"_Yamamoto-senpai—_

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Tsuna: (Deadpan.) "We're the same age."

Mukuro: "That's why it's called a fantasy, Tsu-chan."

Tsuna: (Feels goosebumps for being called such a girly name.)

Gokudera: (Attempting to strangle Yamamoto for having fantasies about the precious Tenth).

Yamamoto: (Avoiding Gokudera and laughing.)

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"_Yamamoto-senpai…I…ever since I saw your majestic form during that baseball game…I-I—"_

_The taller student, Yamamoto, blushed too and scratched his neck. They were both alone in the classroom. Yamamoto had just finished his baseball practice when one of his cute kohai had asked to meet him here._

_Finally, as if bursting, Tsuna finished, "—I've always admired you and liked you! A-and that's all…You don't have to do anything since I…I just wanted to let you know." With that, Tsuna wiped at his teary eyes and turned around to walk away._

_Yamamoto caught the brunette's elbow. He smiled kindly towards his kohai. "Won't you even wait to listen to my answer?"_

_Tsuna blushed, "A-ah, yes."_

_The baseball player blushed to his ears and combed a hand through his black hair. "You…really should have more self-confidence." He wrapped a large hand around Tsuna's neck and propelled the younger boy forward. He dipped down and gave Tsuna a chaste kiss._

_Tsuna clasped Yamamoto's shoulders as his knees weakened. "Aa—"_

_That sound, that mewl sent a frission of electricity through Yamamoto. He sharpened his gaze on the boy before him and slowly led Tsuna towards the teacher's desk, distracting his kohai with dizzying kisses that seemed to last forever._

_He lifted Tsuna's smaller form to sit on the desk and pushed his kohai's legs apart with a persistent knee. Then Yamamoto wrapped Tsuna's legs around him. Tsuna squeaked to find his senpai's erection rubbing against his intimately, even through cloth._

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Tsuna: (Hugging his body fearfully.) /_Yamamoto…I always knew you were kind of dangerous even under that smiling face…/_

Mukuro: "Wah, that was pretty good. You even got me a little hot and bothered."

Yamamoto: "Ahaha, thanks. Don't worry so much, Tsuna. We wouldn't really do any of that stuff to you…"

Tsuna: (Staring very hard at Yamamoto.) _/Then why are we talking about this with such serious expressions…/_

Yamamoto: "…unless you wanted us to."

Tsuna: "…" _/I'm sure this is all a very bad dream…bad dream…/_

Gokudera: (Changing the wads of tissue paper in his nose.) "You fuckers…Thinking of the Tenth like that…Don't you get it? That's not allowed, definitely NOT allowed. The Tenth is a pure-hearted person and deserves better!"

Mukuro: "Oya? Then why are you blushing and nose-bleeding like a hentai even when you spout off such nonsense?"

Gokudera: "I-I...!"

Yamamoto: "Caught red-handed, eh, Gokudera? Why don't you just be honest and tell us your fantasy too?" (Smiles like the Chesire Cat.)

Gokudera: (Blushing to the roots of his hair.) "W-well…"

Tsuna: (Giving dark look to the stammering Storm Guardian.) _/Gokudera—you TRAITOR!/_

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_When Gokudera had been in first grade, he'd gotten into a lot of fights with the older students. They often called him a smart-mouthed little brat and other such names. Tch. Bastards. They were clearly jealous of Gokudera's high IQ._

_But because of this, Gokudera often went home with bruises and black eyes._

_One day, when he'd been cornered by three ugly fourth graders for his lunch money, a small first-grader named Tsuna found them and immediately started wailing for his teacher for help. The fourth-grade students ran off when they saw a teacher coming. And then Tsuna had smiled reassuringly at Gokudera and asked, "A-are you okay? Don't worry. You should call for help whenever they bother you." He held out a hand for the bruised Gokudera to help him stand up._

_Gokudera excitedly clamped both of his hands onto Tsuna's left hand and said, "Will you honor me by becoming my wife!"_

_Tsuna nodded, a bit frightened at this strange reaction to him saving the other first-grader._

_Through the years they grew up, Gokudera followed after Tsuna's side faithfully like a good spouse. He made sure to chase off all the bullies and assassins and annoying baseball nuts that came after his Tsuna. After college, Gokudera proposed with his mother's heirloom wedding ring and Tsuna accepted, flushed—_

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Mukuro: "And then on their wedding night, Gokudera did xxx and xxx and more xxx to Tsuna, blah blah blah. We get it, we get it. What a pure-hearted story. How boring."

Gokudera: "You bastard! What the fuck, interrupting my fantasy—"

Yamamoto: "Aw, don't worry about it Gokudera. I thought it was kinda sweet."

Gokudera: "Heh, that's because the Tenth should be married first before he is allowed to do H-stuff. That way, the Tenth's reputation won't be ruined."

Tsuna: "…What are you talking about, Gokudera? I'm not an innocent girl with a reputation to uphold…" _/And anyway, isn't chasing off the people around me more like bullying and enforced alienation? That's not even taking into account that in your story, you were stalking me the whole time…since I was seven…/_

Reborn: (Pops up from behind Tsuna's back, holding a margarita and looking annoyed.) "Tch. How inconsiderate of you teenagers. Talking about fornicating Tsuna here and there without any actual experience under your belts…Real life is usually not so easy."

Tsuna: "Reborn, thank god you're here—"

Reborn: "For one thing, holes don't get as easily stretched as those porn videos make them out to be, whether it is the top one or the bottom one or the female one."

Tsuna: "…Why is it that you just tacked on the last part about females as if it was a given that we would be doing it with a guy—Wait a minute. What's even weirder is that everyone is listening so intently—"

Reborn: "Shut up, useless-Tsuna. I'm not talking to you. It's not useful for you to listen to my lecture about lubrication as your partner will be doing it for you." (Goes off talking about brands and types of lubrication, whether to use water-based compared to oil-based.)

Tsuna: _/Dear mother and father…everyday I'm forced to endure hardships that are abnormal for someone my age. For example—/ _"…There is something weird touching me down there…"

Hibird: "Cheep, cheep, cheep." (Emerges from under the table…)

Tsuna: "Get off, get off, Hibird!"

(A hand snatches the fluttering bird about Tsuna's head.)

Hibari: "So, the baby is quite knowledgeable." (He looks at Reborn gesturing animatedly with diagrams and Gokudera taking frantic notes. For some unfathomable reason, even Yamamoto was listening intently and nodding.)

Mukuro: "Well, well, the anti-social ugly duck as finally decided to grace his presence on us."

Tsuna: _/Eeee, somebody save me from these two…/_

Hibari: "Shut up, you stupid plant. Talking about forcing your disgusting self on a Namimori student is not allowed. Especially when they are wearing Namimori colors. Unforgiveable."

Mukuro: "Hah. It's normal for a virile high-school male like me to fantasize about Tsuna like that—"

Tsuna: "—Which part of that sentence is normal?—"

Mukuro: "—Unlike you, since your balls probably have dropped off at birth."

Hibari: "BITE TO DEATH." (Smashes tonfa against Mukuro's trident.)

Tsuna: (Frantic to stop impeding fight.) "I-I'm sure Hibari-san has normal fantasies…too!" _/Tsuna, idiot, stop digging your own grave…/_

Hibari&Mukuro: (Stops and looks towards the blushing Tsuna.)

Hibari: (Smirks.) "Of course. It is…healthy to fantasize."

Mukuro: "So? What is it then, this healthy fantasy of yours?"

Hibari: "…"

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_Tsuna carried the tray of tea and teacups precariously, trying to open the door to the Disciplinary Committee room. He gave up, then used his left hip to push the door open. He set the tray on the desk full of papers and was about to leave when behind him, Hibari slammed two hands on the desk, around Tsuna's slim hips. He _XXXXX _and then _XXXXX _and used the tonfa to _XXXXX _Tsuna cried out but _XXXXX _and some more _XXXXX _but Tsuna struggled still but _XXXXX _and Hibari slipped _XXXXX_ in there all slippery and wet _XXXXX _vibrating cellphone in _XXXXX _and Tsuna covered his face in shame but Hibari _XXXXX_ spanked Tsuna's plump cheeks with a _XXXXX _and _XXXXX.

[Attention: Due to the illegally explicit contents of Hibari's not-at-all-healthy fantasy, we were forced to censor and censor such and such scenes and Hibari was not allowed to elaborate further. Thank you for your cooperation.]

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Hibari: "…Have Tsuna become secretary to the Disciplinary Committee. Then will rape him in the third classroom on the sixth floor after class. Though, there would be a lot of blood." (Annoyed.)

Tsuna: (Very pale.) _/Why are you so specific, Hibari-san? And talking as if all of this was on your to-do list…/_

Mukuro: "Oh, ho ho ho. The secretary fantasy, eh? Ah, but what a selfish guy. Raping Tsuna? I bet you would care only about your pleasure and not even consider Tsuna's. Don't worry, Tsuna-chan! My technique is much better than his, I can assure you. He would probably only do it in and out, in and out like some broken record. But me, I can promise you I can do this—" (Does some circular hip motion, grinding air.)

Hibari: (Looks disgusted.)

Tsuna: (Looks ready to vomit.) _/I keep forgetting…this guy is deranged. Must steer clear…Must not make eye contact…/_

Mukuro: "—And I would even do it in different positions for variety. With my technique, I'll be sure to get you pregnant."

Tsuna: (Smiling a grimace.) "We can't have a child because I don't have a uterus."

(Dino passes by and overhears and stops.)

Dino: "What, Tsuna? Of course, you can't get pregnant. You're a boy. Don't tell me Reborn hasn't given you the bees and birds lecture yet…" (Looks concerned.)

Tsuna: (Aghast.) "What? NO! Dino-niisan, of course, I know I'm a boy. No, I no—I don't want Reborn giving me that lecture, since I already know that stuff from school."

Mukuro: (Slings an arm around Dino.) "Well, hello brother-in-law! Please be assured that I will take good care of Tsuna here."

Dino: "What? Aren't you that criminal—?"

Hibari: "It's that annoying blond again."

(After a few minutes of Mukuro and Tsuna explaining what they were talking about…)

Dino: "Oh, fantasy? That sounds fun. You young people nowadays, so precocious…Well, I'll join too! Here's mine:

Mukuro: "What? Aren't you Tsuna's big brother…?"

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_Dino held Tsuna's jaw, forcing him to keep his mouth open while Dino licked the insides of Tsuna's mouth. Finally, Tsuna could take no more and pushed Dino's naked chest away from him, gasping. "Uuh, Dino-niisan…I couldn't breathe anymore…"_

_The blond chuckled and continued, "When we kiss like that, Tsuna, you're supposed to breathe through your nose."_

_Tsuna averted his eyes from Dino's panting form. "B-but…aren't we…siblings now? I mean, your mom married my dad, so…we shouldn't be doing things like this, right?"_

_Dino laughed again and stretched, emphasizing the yakuza tattoos on him. Tsuna watched with wide eyes. Dino patted Tsuna and said, "Don't worry, Tsuna-chan. Your big brother Dino will take responsibility for what happens today, okay? I am a very responsible young man. So you should listen to your big brother and do what he asks you to do because I'm going to feed you something very delicious to drink…but only ever do this with me of course." So saying, Dino took Tsuna's head and said, "Open your mouth wide, Tsu-chan~" and lowered it to his erect co—_

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Hibari: (Looks sickly green.) "Ugh. Wao. Wao. I feel…sick. I need to go out…and get a bit of fresh air…" (Leaves, holding his stomach in what could also be described as the diarrhea pose.)

Tsuna: _/Dangerous! My big brother is clearly dangerous. Must not forget that he was also trained by Reborn./_

Mukuro: "Brother-in-law! Such naughty thoughts about Tsuna…I like it! So, it's the incest fantasy, eh? I admit, that does top my schoolgirl-in-a-train fantasy. But wait and see, I shall overcome your perverted fantasy with an even better one~"

Tsuna: (Covers mouth in horror.) "You have another one?"

Dino: "Hahaha, bring it on. See if you can win over a Reborn alumni student."

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"_I really like your crying face, Tsuna-chan. How you try to endure and keep it all in, all those tears slipping past scrunched eyes~"_

_Ringed tentacles held down Tsuna, writhing around him in a mock-cocoon. They had long since ripped Tsuna's maid outfit apart. They were rather impatient, weren't they?_

_Ever since Tsuna's worthless father went into debt and sold off his only son to Mukuro Rokudo, Tsuna's life had been spent in nothing but skirts and lingerie day after day. He was now Mukuro's sex slave. A slim tentacle that was a darker cherry color than the rest twisted around Tsuna's stiff nipple, laving it with a strange sticky substance that seemed to burn Tsuna from the inside. "Aa! Wha-what is that?"_

_Mukuro, clad in a business suit, held up an index finger against his mouth to remind his servant, "Ah?"_

_Tsuna grimaced, "What is that…Mukuro-sama?"_

_Mukuro smiled pleasantly and said, "That, my lovely, is an aphrodisiac that works by external contact. Isn't amazing the things that I invent?" Which of course, included the tentacle plant oozing the aphrodisiac chemical. He cooed to the struggling teenager, "Don't worry, Tsuna-chan. I will come back after work and then you can have the real taste of a man. But for now, I'll leave this toy for you to amuse yourself." He walked out, after fixing the ribbons around Tsuna's neck into place._

_The tentacles surged into Tsuna's mouth and hole…_

0101010

Tsuna: (Head covered by hands.) "Such a sleazy guy…" _/Impossible. Papa would never do something like that, selling me off…Oh, wait…CRAP./ _(Now looks worried as he is reminded of the fact that Iemitsu has effectively given him up to the Vongola as their new heir, without even a single token protest on his father's part.)

Dino: (Amazed.) "Wow. That is pretty creative, isn't it? Very original that you mixed several fantasies all at once. Let me see if I got them all: tentacle-love, forced aphrodisiac, servant and master play, sadistic character, and tragic past that brings them all together…Very good!"

Mukuro: "You forgot cross-dressing by Tsuna."

Dino: "Oh, of course. Can't forget that. There wasn't even any sign of actual cock penetrating ass. That practically heightened the tension. Very well-done." (Claps his hands in honest appreciation.)

Tsuna: "Why are we talking about the technicals of Mukuro's sick fantasies? And Dino-niisan, please please, seriously PLEASE don't encourage him with your earnest comments."

Mukuro: (Preening.) "Finally! Someone who enjoys the same tastes as I do…"

Dino: "Don't worry so much about it, Tsuna-chan. We're just having a bit of fun."

Tsuna: (Eyes somehow stuck to Dino's lap.) _/I think you're having too much fun./ _"I think…I hear Spanner calling me…" (Backs away to Spanner talking with Ryohei on the other side of the room as Mukuro and Dino continue chatting about the essentials of a porn fantasy that revolved around Tsuna.)

Ryohei: "—So, I was telling him, 'all you gotta do is to slam it in extremely fast so he doesn't feel the pain'. You know what I mean? That way, it's over quickly."

Spanner: "I don't really know. Wouldn't that tear him apart?"

Tsuna: "I'm almost afraid to ask…but what are you guys talking about exactly?"

Ryohei: "Oi, Sawada! That Gokudera kid came by, talking about this fantasy thing your friends have. And then me and Spanner started talking about it too—"

Tsuna: (Holds hand against mouth in thinking pose.) _/I'm starting to feel a bit paranoid. I mean, am I going to get gang-banged here or something? Is that why they keep talking about this perverted stuff they want to do?/_

Spanner: (Looking at Tsuna.) "…Cute."

Ryohei: "—And I'm telling him that a person should just ram his tongue in quickly. Saliva is enough lubrication. And anyway, nothing's wrong with a little blood to go with practicing the horizontal tango, right? It could make you tougher, Sawada. Me, I like it straightforward and in doggie position. I get a lot of exercise that way. But I guess I wouldn't mind a bit of fighting before fucking.—"

Tsuna: _/At least you're sort of normal…No wait…It's NOT normal to keep imagining me being penetrated repeatedly./_

Spanner: "…I don't need to fantasize since I already did hentai things with Tsuna."

Tsuna: "WHAT?"

Ryohei: "Good for you, Sawada!"

Tsuna: "No, wait—what? What are you talking about?"

Spanner: "Don't be shy, Tsu-chan. Remember the first night we met? You were so bold, you know. I never realized Japanese kids could be so obscene…We even used handcuffs…"

Tsuna: "What the—Nothing happened that night! Nothing weird happened that night. It was probably just your IMAGINATION."

Spanner: "Huh. Tsuna-chan. Are you saying that night wasn't special at all for you?"

Ryohei: "Oi, oi, Sawada. Don't be so cold to your one-time lover."

Tsuna: "Ryohei-niisan, please believe me. Nothing happened at all, absolutely nothing—"

Spanner: "Oh, well. I still have that videotape of that night to blackmail you later on to do more H-things with me."

Ryohei: "Hey, that sounds fun. Could I have a copy?"

Tsuna: "What are you talking about? There was NO such thing that happened. And what sounds fun, big brother? Blackmailing me to do h-stuff with you?" (Nearly ripping his hair out.)

Ryohei: "Now, now. No need to get so hysterical, Sawada. I'm just doing some…research for practice. It's good to be extremely prepared."

Tsuna: (Breathes deeply for several minutes.) _/Is this what they call psychological harassment?/_

Ryohei&Spanner: (They both watch Tsuna gasping for breath.) "…"

Tsuna: (Runs.)

Tsuna: _/There's something weird going on. Something very weird and suspicious. Why does it seem as if everybody's completely synchronized tonight? All talking about fantasies…Why am I the focus of these sick and twisted fantasies…? Suspicious…I should check on the Varia too, if they're being affected…/ _(Bumps into Squalo.)

Squalo: "Vo~oi! If it isn't the rabbit himself. Happy birthday. Why are you in such a hurry? Gonna be late for something, eh?"

Tsuna: "Squalo-san! Please help me out. Did you hear anything strange from my friends…?"

Squalo: "Oh? You mean that stupid fantasy kink shit they're all yapping about? Complete bullshit. Why the hell don't they just act it out then? I mean, aren't rabbits in heat all year round?"

Tsuna: _/This guy is even more deranged—!/ _"…"

Xanxus: (In a bad mood.) "…Hey, you. Don't let such a good-quality wine bottle go to waste with low-class trash."

0101010

_An unknown low-class trash lifted Tsuna's sore ass up so as not to spill anything, and jammed the buttplug in._

_Tsuna jerked forward, but was already too exhausted to protest or say anything._

"_It makes you feel uncomfortably full and empty right? Yes, it stretches your hole like a cock but it stops there. It doesn't go in all the way to your prostrate and all you can feel is the semen inside, yes? I wonder if the liquid inside would crust as it normally does. Or maybe your body heat would keep it as it is, sloshing around inside you. Like…a wine bottle. And guess what?" The man lifted a tiny remote and pressed a button._

_The buttplug began to vibrate, slowly at first. Then it began to hum even faster and harder._

"_Isn't it great? You can feel the vibrations all the way to your prostrate, I bet. And the semen has to be moving around even more. I wonder if it'll act like an enema? That'd be something interesting. I've always wanted to see if scat was my thing."_

"_Keep it on for school. I might want to fuck you raw during lunch break. This way, I don't have to waste time preparing you. A shame though that you might have to loosen up."_

0101010

Xanxus: (Emitting a dark atmosphere at the audacious low-class trash that would dare do something like…that.) "…" (But also not realizing, he was getting kinda stiff down there because of that daydream.)

Squalo: ?

Tsuna: _/Xanxus is clearly hallucinating…And I'm definitely not that curious about what he meant by wine bottles./ _(Sees Fuuta walking with his ranking book.) "E-excuse me. I have to go talk to Fuuta." _/Fuuta would have the answers! Or at least know who was the most likely to know what was happening./_

(After explaining everything that had happened that night to Fuuta…)

Fuuta: "Huh. Well, I think I kind of know what's going on."

Tsuna: "Really?"

Fuuta: "Yeah. It's more your personality, not even your looks. I mean, yeah, you have slightly larger than normal eyes and an even creamy skin. I mean…you are the passive type and then sometimes you turn serious when you focus on protecting your friends and that intense look makes me wanna pin you down more…like a double versatile…something: cute and submissive then another moment cool and aloof and intense. It's so cute how you try to act like a seme…"

Tsuna: (Biting lip in horror.) "How do you know these kinds of things, Fuuta? Who has been teaching my little brother such bad things?"

Fuuta: "Ah, but I sort of like the older type of guy. You know, as my bottom?"

Tsuna: "…You're just fifteen years old, Fuuta…"

Fuuta: "Yeah, you know. I'm at that age where I get turned on by you—I mean, by anything."

Tsuna: _/Freudian slip! This mess is definitely Reborn's work, I can feel it now./ _(Runs off to find Reborn and to also avoid Fuuta.)

0101010

_There was a sort of cold war occurring between all of Tsuna's guardians and allies._

_It was an undeclared alliance, an unanimous treatise: Look but don't touch. They all danced a delicate spiderweb around Tsuna but were never actually allowed to touch him. It was understood that as soon as one of them tried to break the cardinal rule, the rest would gang up against that one person. While each of them in their own right was a powerhouse to be careful of…it was acknowledged that one could not overtake the rest of the party without some serious damage. Even Dino and the other mafia bosses understood this much. And even those bastards at the Varia had to bow down to the treatise. So, it was that Tsuna walked through life, alone and never feeling the touch of a lover. Then one day, a dashing young hitman collided paths with young Tsuna and his name was Reborn!_

0101010

Reborn: "Well, student? How did you like my fantasy?"

Tsuna: "…It was like a really bad porno movie…with crappy dialogue full of inane puns and corny innuendos…But waitaminute…It was you! It's your entire fault everyone's talking about such things. You started it!"

Reborn: "Correct. Maybe, you're not such a useless student after all. I invited Mukuro to this party, knowing full well, he would bring this kind of trouble. So, have you learned anything?"

Tsuna: "…Err…"

Reborn: (Slaps hand against Tsuna's head and sighs.) "Must I even point it out anymore? Did you not see how ridiculously delusional the people around you actually are? And do you know why? That is because men think of sex 24/7. You must be on your guard, constantly. You cannot walk around so defenselessly, blushing all over the place. It makes you susceptible to attack!

Tsuna: "Actually, I think you are the most delusional one…but you may have a point." _/Am I abnormal? I mean, I'm a guy but I don't think about that kind of stuff at all…maybe it's because I'm too busy with exams and random assassins trying to kill me and paying for the collateral damage my friends do and Reborn's training…no no, wait, I'm getting sucked in by their stupidity! Definitely...being sucked in…_

Reborn: "Listen. Some couples like to role-play…but you aren't even in a relationship with any of these guys yet, and already they're planning all sorts of things…It's all because of your face and body type…very annoying. You saw and heard, right? You are the type that fulfills a lot of complexes for guys. Frankly, you could fit yourself into every kind of specialized complex there is under the sun. Lolita complex, sibling complex, boss complex…Too many to count. Now you have seen exactly how dangerous the people are around you."

Tsuna: /_Oh my god. He's right. He's completely RIGHT./_

Good luck, Tsuna in the coming days of adulthood.


End file.
